In Flashes of Fire

In Flashes of Fire

I have said before that I do not seem like a particularly emotional person, and indeed I don’t consider myself to be. I don’t experience the same heights of joy or sorrow that I observe in others - such as my wife - and from what others have said, they do not observe those heights in me either. But very occasionally I find myself almost overcome with emotion, and often negative emotion. I say almost because I do not seem to lose control of my actions, nor do I spiral for very long before the emotions ebb and fade.

Recently I find myself at this point again, and as a part of my reflection process I am writing about my experience. Not for the first time, I find myself frustrated to the point of fury.

I make little secret of my tendencies, and one of these tendencies is a burning for purpose. I am compelled greatly to participate - even at cost to myself - in furthering a purpose that I resonate with, and I am just as compelled to rebel - with those same energies - against furthering the inverse. This is a double-edged sword, of course, but personally I prefer two edges to none. The participatory edge is characterized by a dogged persistence and a ferocious productive capacity. The rebellious edge is characterized by a ferocious insistence and disruptive creativity. I might characterize them as fire, glowing coals on the one side, and flaming trees on the other.

The participatory edge is usually not a problem. If anything it is the very thing that has made me as effective as I am in both work and ministry (I admit effectiveness is subjective, but whatever success I have experienced in either is attributed largely to this trait). The rebellious edge can be a problem. When I was younger, I did not have a lot of opportunity to manage my emotions in a healthy manner, and this would manifest in various kinds of outbursts. Now the main form of regulation I use is conversation, and the main form of release I use is martial arts.

This means that if I find myself in a flammable mood, I turn to close friends who are aware of the situation and vent to them, and they do the same to me, and we help one another to maintain an anchor of rationality in the storm of emotions. Similarly, if I have the opportunity, I will go for martial arts training, and this not only gives me an opportunity to exert myself physically, but also to regulate my emotional response through my body.

An aside about physical play

Quite recently I came across an interview by Dr Jordan Peterson, which was discussing the effects of ‘rough and tumble play’, or ‘physical play’, in young children, as young as 3 or 4 years old. The observation is that many children hunger for physical play of this sort, not because they are violent, but because they want to explore themselves and their surroundings, and this involves physically touching, grabbing, throwing, wrestling, and so on.

It turns out that children who are deprived of this play when they are young later grow up unable to self-regulate in their physical interactions, and are more prone to hurting those whom they eventually get to play with; not in malice, but simply because they did not know the acceptable force to use, or acceptable places to touch, and so on. This can be educated of course, but by then damage may have been done.

In this aspect, martial arts is a great source of exploration and learning for children, as it provides them with a place and structure and supervision to explore, to test the boundaries and learn where they are, for both themselves and others.

Another aspect in which martial arts is valuable is in regulating the emotional response. This is something which is somewhat lost in today’s focus on fighting and finding the better fighter, but martial arts are valuable not only for learning about the body, but also about the heart. The repeated entrance into physical situations without emotion allows one to control their emotional emotional response to a physical situation, and to remain rational even in strong emotion or under duress.

Not that I have achieved it

Now, it is not as if I have achieved this ‘Zen’ state of being no matter the conflict. I am no such saint or peak example of humanity. But I do think that my emotional responses, my rebellion, is not merely a flash of fire. It may be triggered by the emotional response, but it does not result merely in an emotional reaction. I have learned - and continue to learn - to muster this emotion, this fire, and to direct it toward a purpose.

There are many things I am still working on in this. I am often impatient to change things when I am in this mood, and can be brash especially in my words. Similarly my impatience can cloud the clarity of my decision-making, and I may miss the right purpose. I have learned to still myself and my tongue in these situations, to limit my interaction to trusted parties, and to discuss or journal these things before making any hard decisions.

The problem I see when in these moods is that most superiors prefer to keep the peace, than to further the right purpose. In all the teams I have been a part of where I have these moods, my superior inevitably tries to calm me down and maintain the peace between all parties involved. This works for the immediate situation, but in my experience this results in no progress toward a better direction, which merely leaves a bitterness in me, and a dampened flame.

The end result of this is simple. A fire that is quenched repeatedly will become incredibly difficult to ignite. Dry kindling lights easy, and burns fiercely, but wet kindling must first be left to dry, and it must dry throughout before it can light. This is exactly what happens to me. Pacify me once, and I’ll come back. Pacify me more, and I will resist your future call to action.

With the energies that work powerfully in me

Nonetheless I continue to find areas which cause my fire to burn more fiercely at times, and I attempt to do faithfully what I am able to do. Not that I am always able to, but I am compelled to act with the energies that work so powerfully in me.

This is reminiscent of Colossians 1:29; as the Apostle Paul says, to strenuously contend with all His energy that He powerfully works within me.

I think some part of this is indeed His energy that works powerfully in me, and not merely my own. As I have said, my nature is not to be so incensed, and these moods seem to come especially strongly for things relating to the right attitude toward God and His people and His service. So perhaps this burning fury that comes in flashes of fire is right, even if it is burning me either way.