Fatherhood Begins

Fatherhood Begins

Among the many, many things I want to do, writing has always been at the top. Problem is, I have never had much to write about. Perhaps now I do, so here I am.

Last week my first child - Ava - was born, and many people wished us well and some who have gone before us - my own mother included - commented; “Fatherhood begins!“. This struck me as odd, and so I began to write my reflection into this post.

Fatherhood began

As I reflected, I feel like Fatherhood began when Ava was conceived.

I have often been said to be emotionless - jokingly, of course - because my reactions to supposedly emotional moments are rather bland. My wife will testify that while she was weeping at the altar, I simply grinned and continued the ceremony.

But as I was in the operating theater watching the doctor tease a surprisingly white, tiny, bottom out of a gaping hole in my wife’s womb, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was indeed emotionless - especially compared to the other new father I saw weeping his way out of an adjacent theater.

The truth is, I already felt like a father long before seeing Ava in the flesh. From the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, something in my own identity began to change.

At times during the pregnancy, I wondered; if we had a miscarriage, would I still be a father? There are different opinions to this question, of course, but I am of the opinion that I would; only I would be a father to a child who had passed on far earlier than anyone would have wished.

And so Fatherhood began many months ago, and with every obstetrician visit, with every purchase of a baby item, with every class we attended and book we read, my identity as a Father has become more solid.

Identity forms

So I posit that identity is formed very much in this way; firstly conceived by our initial awareness of a characteristic of which we desire permanence, and then made real by our intentional action to make that permanence real.

By that token, I am a father. Not because I impregnated my wife, but because we decided that we wanted a child. Thus, we chose to begin the journey of pregnancy, and continued to shape that identity by preparing our home and items for the baby, and acquiring relevant knowledge.

In much the same way, our other identities are formed. My identity as an ethnic Chinese is weak, for example, because I never enjoyed learning the language, and do not identify with traditional Chinese thinking. It does not make me non-Chinese, but I certainly identify more as a Singaporean than as a Chinese.

Identity forms out of choice.

Let me explain using the reverse. To say, for example, that a person is a father just by impregnating a woman, will immediately evoke rage. What if the person is an irresponsible man who flees the moment he finds out, or even pressures the woman to get an abortion? Do we still consider him a father?

That is exactly my point. We cannot, in good faith, accord the identity of the role to a person who absconds the responsibilities of a role.

This is what Ghandi means in his 7 social sins (which I find fascinating) by ‘Rights without Responsibilities’. I, the father, have rights to and over my child, because I take on the responsibilities of a father. I have the right to make decisions for my child, from the doctor they see to the clothes they wear, from the food they eat to the schools they attend. But this is provided that I provide the resources for the doctor, the clothes to wear, the food to eat and the access to schooling.

So identity forms because I choose to make it real. This idea will no doubt sit badly with some who struggle with their own identity, and I sympathize with that struggle, but the point stands; we choose our identity. We may decide that we are born a certain way - stupid, for example, or unlovable - and live in that way. We may just as well decide the opposite. Either way, it forms our identity.

Fatherhood begins

My identity as a father formed awhile ago, but this makes me wonder about my other identities.

Many identities have just sat on the back burner, simmering without intention. Some of them I choose to focus on and to build at different seasons, but for the most part I must admit they kind of just sit there.

So which identity am I choosing to make real?